Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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