She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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