I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
