what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
