i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
