Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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