its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
