He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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