It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
