I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
