I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
