dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
