I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
well you can't waste a boner
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
