I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
