the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
