why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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