1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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