i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
