My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
