I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
