I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
