Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
