so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
