Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
