We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
