When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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