I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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