Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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