im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
