Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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