Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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