I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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