I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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