Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
