she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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