It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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