I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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