I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
