Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
