I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
