She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
