the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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