And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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