I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
