I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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