I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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