i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
