He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
