I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm getting married
To pizza
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
