It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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