My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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