i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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