Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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