If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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