The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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