woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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