sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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